daretodo: ([smm] Bigger things than me and you.)
[personal profile] daretodo
There is no concept of time. Seconds, minutes, hours -- all meaningless. (Am I dead?) I'm aware only of pain, white and hot, searing mercilessly through every inch of my body. (Make it stop.) At first the sounds are indistinct -- snippets of hushed conversations, the shuffle of footsteps across the floor, the quiet, unsteady sobs of someone crying. Through the pain, infinite stretches on. (Please, make it stop.) The sounds become sharper -- the scrape of a chair, the catch in a woman's voice, my name on someone's lips. (Shouldn't hurt so much, why does it hurt so much? My God, make it stop.)

The black of the void turns to red. (I'm waking up -- not dead, then. Why?) There's a hand on my own, the pressure, however slight, almost too much to bear. (Don't want to wake up. Let go, let go, let go.) I try to speak, but find I can't. My voice dies in my throat. (Can I die, too?) I can't open my eyes, can't move at all -- I'm bound, constricted. (Listen to yourself.) I need to move. (You need to live, you lucky fool.) Reality comes back to me in dribs and drabs, memories sliding into place like the pieces of a puzzle -- a fall, a fight, a fire. (No, don't want to remember. Don't make me remember. Hurts too much, hurts too much.) My pulse takes a sudden jump, leftover panic pumping adrenaline through my veins, and soon -- at least, I think it's soon, because I still can't tell, there's still no time -- there's more than pain. There's control. (You promised, Peter. You promised her.) With a shallow, shuddering breath that burns my lungs, my eyes flutter open, and I take in my dim, fuzzy surroundings without comprehension. (That's it, push through the pain.)

"Wh--?" It's not speech in the strictest sense, little more than an exhale. (Try again.) Hours, minutes, seconds later. "Where...?"

Date: 2010-01-10 04:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Mary Jane wasn't sure, now, how long she'd been sitting. In two days, she could probably count the number of minutes she had spent not at Peter's side, and every single one of those had taken a good deal of encouragement. Earlier, she'd been out of the clinic long enough to have a sandwich -- a task which involved more staring than actual eating -- but promptly returned, and had been alternately holding Peter's hand and pacing his room ever since, praying for him to open his eyes even as she became increasingly certain that he wouldn't.

He was going to die, and it was going to be all her fault.

After all that time, the sound of a voice, however faint, was more than enough to get her attention. Immediately, her eyes widened, gaze lifting to Peter's face as she sucked in a deep breath, feeling suddenly like her heart had stopped beating in her chest, the way it was supposed to have two days before. Half-convinced she had finally dozed off and this was all just some dream, she shook her head, eyes brimming with tears before she could even get any words out. "Peter?" she asked, quiet, but with an urgency to her voice all the same. She needed this to be real, needed to know he could make it through this no matter how unlikely it had seemed. There would be more important things to focus on soon, but just then, getting a doctor didn't matter quite so much as getting a little peace of mind. "Pete. You're - you're awake?"

Date: 2010-01-10 06:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"Peter, you're in the clinic," Mary Jane told him, gaze not leaving his, her thumb brushing in what she hoped would be a reassuring manner over the back of his hand. After two days of worrying, she wanted little more than to be able to fall apart now, the relief in his being awake too completely overwhelming, but it wasn't hard to tell that he needed her to hold it together for a little longer. She'd made it this far; she could manage a little more, even with her breaths growing shakier, tears still in her eyes. No matter how relieved she was, seeing him like this wasn't all that easy, either. "Look at me. Everything's fine, okay? Just... try to stay calm."

Date: 2010-01-10 08:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
He may not have gotten very far, but Mary Jane pulled her hand away about as quickly as she could without risking hurting him more. She hadn't wanted to -- it was, admittedly, as much a comfort to herself as she had meant it to be for him -- but it was better than inadvertently making this worse, no matter how much it stung in the process. It was understandable, she reminded herself, but that didn't make it any easier.

"I'm fine," she promised weakly, because it was about the only thing she could say, no matter how far from the truth it was. He meant physically, and in that context, at least -- when compared to him -- there wasn't really anything wrong at all. "And Tony's... well, he's gonna make it." That wasn't the important part, though, and with so much else to tell, she had to keep talking, focusing on the facts before her own feelings. "It's been two days, Peter."

She tried, she honestly did, but that quickly, any hope she'd had of retaining some semblance of composure was gone. Head lowering so she wouldn't have to look at him, Mary Jane began to cry, and not really the way she had been on and off while sitting at his bedside. This was the no holds barred kind of sobbing only appropriate for someone who'd just faced her own death and spent two days beside an unconscious boyfriend, who was as unsure of herself with him awake as she had been while waiting for him to open his eyes. It wasn't fair, she knew, to be making him deal with this now, but as much as she might've wanted to, she was too tired to make more of an effort. "I'm sorry," she choked out, a hand lifting to her mouth. "I'm so sorry, I can't -"
Edited Date: 2010-01-10 08:59 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-10 09:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
It took a moment, even after hearing him speak, for Mary Jane to realize what he was trying to do. Concern overriding everything else, she took a few shaky, uneven breaths and stood, just a little quieter, though her tears hadn't slowed in the slightest. There were a lot of things she wanted -- to not have to worry about him for just a few seconds, to let out what she'd been keeping back for two days, to climb in bed beside him and just be able to hold him for a few minutes -- but being unable to do any of them, she had to keep focusing on him. Making sure he was alright was far more important than any of that anyway.

"Peter, no," she murmured, gently lowering his hand back onto the mattress, swallowing hard in a useless attempt at pulling herself together a little. Gently, hesitantly, she rested a hand on his shoulder, grateful that she wasn't at the side of the one he'd dislocated. Even if he couldn't ignore what a wreck she still was, a sob catching in her throat, she had every intention of doing so. "You've got to rest, okay? Lie down, I - I'll be fine, I just - please, I need you to take care of yourself right now. You've got a lot of injuries, I can't have you making any of it worse."
Edited Date: 2010-01-10 09:52 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-10 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
For all they'd been through and everything that had led up to this, Mary Jane couldn't think of anything that was quite so difficult as seeing Peter like this now. It was enough to bring on a fresh burst of tears, though this time, at least, she kept it a little quieter, her hand still just barely touching his shoulder. She hated this, hated having to be the one to tell him this, but she couldn't imagine it being anyone else, either. Impossible though it may have seemed, she had to keep herself in check and talk him through this.

"It's not gonna be a few hours, Pete," she murmured, sniffling as she carefully brushed some hair back away from his face. "You can't... You're not, you know. Anymore. So you've just got to hold on, okay? I'm right here for you." It wasn't much, and, God, she wished it was more, but it was the least she could do. She'd sat by his side for two days, and had no intention of going anywhere else any time soon.

Date: 2010-01-11 12:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"A while," Mary Jane murmured about as reassuringly as she could, fingertips just barely stroking his hair. She wanted desperately to touch him more, but even knowing where he was and wasn't injured, she was afraid to, like she might do something wrong and make all of this even worse just by letting her skin brush against his. How long he was going to be like this wasn't really even something she had let herself think about, and now, all she could do was try to make the best of it for him. Rubbing uselessly at her eyes with her free hand, she inhaled deeply, gaze fixing briefly on the ceiling before she settled it on him again. "It's gonna take some time. After what happened, you're just lucky to be alive."

Date: 2010-01-11 01:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Mary Jane let out what was meant to be a laugh, though it came out as a sob, lips pressing into a thin line as she lowered her head. She'd thought of that conversation, of course, replayed it over and over in her head as she sat beside him -- and spent more time than she ought to have thinking about the part where he'd said he wanted to marry her -- but there was a bizarre sort of relief in hearing him talk about it now. Somehow, it made all the more real the fact that he really was going to pull through this.

"You really had me scared for a while there, you know," she murmured, exhaling as slowly as she could in an attempt to get herself back under control. Even in doing so, she doubted that was going to happen anytime soon. "I don't know what I would have done if..." She trailed off there, not wanting to continue when she didn't have to. It was hard enough thinking about the possibility of him dying without vocalizing it, too.

Date: 2010-01-11 03:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"You better not," Mary Jane said on an exhale, her frown matching his. The very thought made her chest tighten again, and it was all she could do to keep from reaching out and holding onto him. Even now, she was still afraid of what might happen to him, but his waking up had assuaged those fears enough for now, and she could manage just a little more positive thinking. There were more important things to focus on, anyway. "Look, Pete, I... I'll be the first to tell you that you need to rest, and I want you to do that, but I really, really have to talk to you."

Date: 2010-01-11 04:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"No," Mary Jane assured him, serious despite the fact that she wasn't sure the question would have been under any other circumstances. Now, there was no room for joking around, no time to waste when they had a few moments' privacy. "Not even close, actually, just, I -"

She cut herself off and swallowed, unsure how to even say this. For all she knew, she had made the worst judgment call of her life, and while she didn't really want to know if he thought she'd made a mistake, she couldn't keep second-guessing herself over it, either. She needed to get this over with, to hear, hopefully, that she hadn't ruined anything.

"When we got back, I was the only one of us in any state to talk to people," she continued, exhaling heavily. Reluctantly easing back, she took a seat again, instinctively about to reach for his hand but stopping just short of it, unsure if he'd want her to after he had tried to pull away before, or if it would be a good idea with what she was about to tell him. "I gave the statement to the IPD, and you were already unconscious, so I couldn't figure things out with you beforehand, and I had to think really fast..."

Closing her eyes a moment, she tipped her head back. "I told them that the man's name was Alton Hartford, that apparently he just snapped, and it was a random attack. You were just trying to save your girlfriend. I didn't think anyone should know that you knew each other back home, or that we'd known who he was for months. It seemed like the only thing to do, and... I just need to know if I really screwed things up or not."
Edited Date: 2010-01-11 05:17 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-11 06:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
He phrased it like that -- you lied to the police -- and even having said so herself, Mary Jane couldn't help feeling vaguely ashamed. It sounded so much more dishonest that way, but then, there wasn't really any way around that. Even with the best of intentions, she had told a lie, and to the authorities, no less, so they wouldn't look bad. Neither of them could have stopped Norman, but they had still known, and especially when a woman had died, she didn't think that information would have been well-received.

"I wanted to protect you," she admitted, eyes shut and head lowered, only aware of the ridiculousness of a statement like that after it had left her mouth. In lieu of a laugh, she exhaled heavily, a bad taste left in her mouth by the whole situation despite her relief at his not being too upset. She just had to keep reminding herself that it was his -- their -- best interest she'd had in mind. "Talk about stupid, right?"

Of the two of them, she was undoubtedly the one who really needed protecting. She'd proven that two days ago, and now he was going to be laid up in a clinic bed for God knew how long because of it. The very thought of that brought on a fresh wave of guilt, and though she'd opened her eyes again, she couldn't quite bring herself to look at him. Maybe he would have gotten involved either way, but she couldn't help feeling responsible for what had happened to him, and even more so for that poor woman's death.

Date: 2010-01-11 06:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Biting down on her lower lip, Mary Jane winced, still not looking at him to give herself any idea of whether he saw or not. She was too tired to really care, anyway, and the last thing she wanted to do was risk fighting with him when he was so hurt, when she'd spent two whole days half-expecting him to never wake up. A whole lot of responses came immediately to mind, but she ignored them all, figuring it would be best for them both if she focused on how grateful she was that he was awake now.

"Is there anything I can get you?" she asked after a long moment, tentatively glancing in his direction when she trusted herself to be a little more composed. She ought to have asked sooner, she realized that in retrospect, but she supposed she hadn't really had the opportunity to, either. "Water, some kind of painkiller maybe? I could go get a doctor if you want to talk to one of them."

Date: 2010-01-11 07:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"Jesus, Peter," Mary Jane exhaled, fixing her gaze on the ceiling for a few seconds in the hopes that it would keep her from getting all worked up again, but it was useless. Already she'd been just barely holding herself together, and she was so, so tired; between the relief and the worry and the absolutely overwhelming guilt she still felt, she just didn't have the energy to stay the strong one.

Only dimly aware of the fact that she'd begun to cry again, breaths coming short and ragged, though she managed to hold back any sobs, she looked at him wordlessly for what at least felt like a long time. There were too many things she wanted to say to him, none of which she thought she could. He didn't need to hear just how much she blamed herself, not when he was talking like that, but she couldn't lie to him and say that she didn't, either. At a loss, she gripped the edge of the bed, close to his hand but still not quite touching it. She'd screwed up enough already to not want to risk making it worse, and she wasn't sure she could handle his pulling away from her again.

"I love you, too," she murmured, the first true, coherent thing that came to mind, even as it dawned on her that the last time she'd told him she loved him, she had also been telling him to let her die. Dwelling on that now really wasn't going to help matters any. "And I promise you, this is all going to be okay, so please try not to -" Regardless of what she was asking of him, it was too late for her to stop crying, and though she closed her eyes, she made no effort to hide it. There was just no point.
Edited Date: 2010-01-11 10:27 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-13 05:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Surprised at the contact, Mary Jane stared at their hands through glassy eyes for a few seconds before she shifted hers just enough to be able to lace her fingers through his. She was too desperate not to hold on and too worried to put any more pressure on his hand, even the unbroken one, but she settled on a middle ground quickly. With all his injuries, she was pretty sure this was just about the only contact she was going to get with him for a good long while, and she wanted to savor that, not spend each moment second-guessing herself with him.

"Peter," she murmured, tears not slowing, not yet. She should have been pulling herself together, making more of an effort to be the strong one like she had been for days now, but it just wasn't happening yet. With an exhale that might've been a laugh, had she not been crying, she shook her head, looking back over at him again. "God, what I wouldn't give to be able to lie beside you right now."

Date: 2010-01-13 05:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
This time, there was no denying that Mary Jane laughed, though there wasn't anything particularly amused about it. She ought to have expected as much from him, she knew, but tempting as it was to listen to him and try, her own needs didn't matter half as much as his at a time like this. Not being able to touch him like she wanted to was something that was going to take a hell of a lot of getting used to, but it wouldn't have been worth the risk to do otherwise.

"You have four broken ribs," she pointed out quietly, her voice remarkably steady, all things considered, "two broken fingers and a broken leg, a shoulder you dislocated..." There was more, of course, but she didn't doubt he knew that, and she wouldn't have felt right just listing off all his various injuries. "I could hurt you. No, I would hurt you, and then they probably wouldn't let me keep staying here. They'd kick me out, and then what would you do with yourself?"

As far as attempts at levity went, this one failed miserably, but it was something, at least, especially given that she hadn't yet managed to fully stop crying. With months of this ahead of them, though, it would do her no good to let it upset her in front of him.

Date: 2010-01-13 06:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"It would be very, very easy for me to make it worse, Peter," Mary Jane said quietly, frowning. He was right in that it wouldn't likely have done much damage, but the thought of her doing anything that might exacerbate the pain he was already in made her stomach turn a little. Her free hand settling loosely over his wrist, fingers still intertwined with his, she sighed. "If I moved the wrong way, or say I accidentally hit just the wrong spot... We're just going to have to get used to this."
Edited Date: 2010-01-13 06:31 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-13 07:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Mary Jane held his gaze for a long moment, visibly tentative despite already knowing what her answer was going to be. Regardless of all her worries about somehow hurting him, she couldn't deny him when he put it like that, not when she felt the same way. She may have come out of all of this virtually uninjured, but inside, she was a wreck and was getting worse at hiding it. Being beside him for a little while, no matter how careful she had to be, was bound to do her good, too.

"Well, you've got me," she murmured, biting her lower lip as she stood, sitting instead on the edge of the bed. She still wasn't quite sure how she could go about doing this without causing any more damage, but it seemed worth it to try. "Just - we've got to be careful, alright? And if anything feels worse at all, you need to tell me right away." That said, she began easing down at his side, eyes on him all the while to make sure she didn't do anything wrong. "I'm right here."
Edited Date: 2010-01-14 01:01 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-14 07:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"Hey," Mary Jane murmured, a faint smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. She was still beyond cautious, taking up about as little room on the side of his bed as she could, but she had to admit that she was glad she'd given in. No matter how much more it made her worry to be this close to him -- or how much it made her want to hold him to her and never let go, something that was definitely impossible, and would be for a damn long time -- the comfort it provided outweighed that by far.

Of course, being in bed, she was reminded of just how long it had been since she'd slept, or even laid down at all, the closest being the time she had spent unconscious in a web on the beach of the second island. The memory made any hint of a smile fade, though she hoped it wasn't particularly noticeable. It wasn't anything she wanted to talk about, not yet. "You're sure this is okay, right?"

Date: 2010-01-16 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"So," Mary Jane said quietly, sniffling a little. Any other time, she would have been more than content just to lie there with him, but having not slept in so long and now being so relieved, she didn't trust herself not to drift off if they felt silent. Besides, it had been two days, and though he had physically been right there, she'd missed him. She just wished she could have been closer, or that she could think of something that wasn't the events of two days earlier. Most if not all of that wasn't anything she wanted to talk about now, as much as she knew they would probably need to sooner or later. "I'd ask how you're doing, but... I think I have a pretty good idea."

Date: 2010-01-16 06:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Mary Jane ought to have known the question was coming, really, but she was caught a little off-guard all the same, faltering as she tried to come up with a good response. He didn't need to know that she had spent two whole days sitting by his bed, waiting for some sign that he was going to make it through this. "Don't worry about me," she said with a shrug, dismissive but a little grateful all the same. "I'm fine."

She was not, in fact, anywhere close to fine, but she was relatively uninjured and didn't see any reason to sleep just yet, so it was true enough. Beside him now, she didn't want to be anywhere else, and sleeping in his bed would have just been asking for her to somehow hurt him.

Date: 2010-01-16 06:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"I need to be here with you, is what I need," she countered, her own voice not much louder than his. Her body may have required sleep, but what she needed was completely different, and she was a whole lot more inclined to follow those instincts now. Any other reasons she had for not wanting to go to sleep weren't anything she thought he needed to know about. "I can sleep later."

Date: 2010-01-16 07:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
Biting her lip through a frown, Mary Jane sighed, hesitating just a moment before she shook her head. It was tempting -- so unbelievably tempting, more than she could have even told him -- but there was a big difference between lying beside him now while she was conscious and letting herself fall asleep there. "It's a small bed, Pete," she said, rueful but insistent. "I could move and hurt you and... I can't risk that."

Date: 2010-01-16 07:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"Not fair," she protested, meaning to make a face but only managing to look sullen in the process. It had to have been pretty damn clear that she would have done anything for him at this point, and sleeping, especially when she was so tired already, was an easy thing to give. "You'll be okay? You don't need me to get you anything?"

Date: 2010-01-16 08:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] getemtiger.livejournal.com
"Wake me up if I hurt you," Mary Jane replied, looking at him with wide eyes as she shifted very, very carefully, not wanting to even move the bed too much. "Or if I can do anything for you. I -" Cutting herself off, she yawned, suddenly relieved she'd agreed to this. "Would rather be here for you than sleep."

about

Peter Parker, also known as the vigilante, Spider-Man, is one of Marvel Comics' flagship characters. Created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko in 1962, Spider-Man first debuted in Amazing Fantasy #15.

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