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[daretodo]

By now I know the drill. I'm on a strict order of bed rest for the ten days proceeding my surgery, which seems about as long as an overnight trip compared to my last stay in the clinic, a fact I try to focus on as I shift once again on the cramped, uncomfortable mattress. It's not like the bed back in mine and Mary Jane's hut is all that much better, really, but its location is infinitely preferable, surrounded by warm, wooden walls, all of my personal belongings, and most importantly, natural daylight. That it easily accommodates two is another point in its favor, but that particular train of thought just threatens to depress me more -- I'm a newlywed and I can't even sleep in the same bed as my wife. While I undoubtedly have bigger concerns, that's the one I keep circling back around to in my few moments alone.

I nearly lost my life to a man who probably could care less about me, and I did it at the expense of Mary Jane's happiness -- and for what? Some sense of duty, of responsibility? We've only just started our lives together, and I swanned off to play the hero for someone who didn't even want saving, leaving my wife with the all too real possibility of becoming a widow at age twenty-two. God, I've been so selfish lately, caught up in my own personal drama with Johnny's and Sarah's disappearances and Council business and the O.R. that I haven't really been there for the one person who means everything to me. That'll have to change once I'm out of here.

For now, though, I'm left to my own devices, MJ off making lunch for us both. With nothing else to do, I've turned to a battered copy of The Time Machine for entertainment, but I pay attention only to every other sentence, my mind elsewhere entirely even as I turn another page.

Comments

[drownondryland]

"I can't say I know the feeling," Meredith says wryly, "but I'm guessing it's worse than getting run down by a tree." She still has to lean against the bed a little, chart in one hand, fighting off the thought that she really should wait another day or three. She feels strangely useless as it is, standing there, looking at his chart where it's been filled in by others, notes made in someone else's hand, and she sets it down quickly. Other people step in fast. It's a blessing for the patients and that's the important thing, but she feels pointless enough without the reminder she's easily replaced. "Anything I can get for you?"

[daretodo]

Maybe it's something I'm just inclined to look for, having been in the good Doc's position so many times in the past, but the way she's standing doesn't suggest someone who's yet a hundred percent. Eyes narrowing slightly, I purse my lips in thought as I consider her carefully for a moment longer.

"A chair," I say after a moment, nodding towards the one Mary Jane left empty when she went earlier. "Sit down, relax."

[drownondryland]

Meredith considers it for a long moment, then heads over to accept the seat. She doubts he's about to lecture her for anything, which makes it a lot easier to agree to. "For a couple minutes," she says. "I guess the rest of my work's not going anywhere."

[daretodo]

"Probably not," I agree, letting out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding once she sits. There's every chance I could've been crossing some sort of line, but given that I've only finally started to get comfortable around Meredith after months of dancing around, second-guessing myself some more -- at least knowingly -- doesn't strike me as the greatest idea in the world. "But even if it was, I'm a much better conversationalist than a bunch of charts."

[drownondryland]

"That is probably true," Meredith says, nodding. She doesn't feel nearly so behind here as she would have in Seattle at least, though she also doubts she'd mind that in exchange for having her old job back. "I'm surprised you managed to talk Mary Jane into leaving your side. She's usually glued to this chair."

[daretodo]

"In addition to being a good conversationalist, I'm also very persuasive," I reply, managing a crooked smile. "Got a friend back in the city who keeps telling me I should've been a lawyer, actually, but I'm, uh, pretty sure it was just my stomach doing the talking this time. Lunch, yanno?" I pause a moment, then add, "You're free to join us, if you want. My being stuck in here sort of cuts into your girl talk time, I know, but I promise I'm fluent."

[drownondryland]

"Maybe I will," Meredith says, ducking her head though it hardly hides her grin. In a way, as much as she confides in Mary Jane, it's a relief not to be doing so lately. With her and with Sean, things have a way of spilling out of Meredith that she'd rather keep to herself. "She's been where she's supposed to be. I get it. I'd do the same. And about all the girl talk I have right now'd probably be about how Sean's driving me crazy with the hovering and no one needs to hear me go on about that."

[daretodo]

"I hate it when they hover," I say, nose crinkling, and for all that my tone is wry, I don't know that I'm really joking. Much as I'm grateful for the company, every worried look makes me feel more guilty than anything else, knowing that all of this might've been avoided if I'd just listened to Mary Jane in the first place and got away. "I mean, I know it just means they care, but... Well, let's just say I envy your being able to use the doctor thing as an excuse. I don't think MJ would believe me if I said I was feeling good enough to go home already."

[drownondryland]

"I'd lie for you," Meredith says, head tipping to the side, "but it would be a lie. I know what you mean, though. I'm grateful, I just... wish people would believe me when I say I'm fine. Or that I didn't feel bad for putting him through that, like I'm not the one that got hurt." It was her own fault, though, she knows that. Defensive though she was to begin with, the further she gets from it, the more certain she is she could have avoided all this if she'd really wanted to.

[daretodo]

"I'm pretty sure we're lying to her enough as is," I point out, expression sobering slightly. "By omission, obviously, she... She has enough to worry about, but I'd rather keep the secrets to a minimum, much as I'd really like to get out of here, like, right now."

[drownondryland]

Meredith arches an eyebrow, bristling slightly, though she knows it's unreasonable. Keeping quiet about the conditions of a surgery isn't something she'd ever consider lying, but she can't honestly say he's wrong either. "Well, I can't blame you," she says lightly. "I think you've spent almost as much time in here as I have this year. But you'll be out again soon enough."

[daretodo]

"I really should've finished my graduate work," I joke, pushing a hand back through my hair. Out of habit, I school my expression to keep a wince at bay, not wanting any undo attention, though given what she just went through herself, maybe I don't have to be quite so careful. "Then I could fool myself into think I had an actual reason to be in here instead of suffering from the effects of a reckless sense of responsibility."

[drownondryland]

"Oh, trust me," Meredith says, "the medical degree isn't helping me with that much either. It does help with other people a little, though." Sean might have let up some on her for being out there, but she still doesn't think he buys that she had to be. She doesn't always buy it herself. After a moment, she adds, "Mary Jane told me she tried to talk you out of it."

[daretodo]

That catches me by surprise. For a second I'm left doing my best impersonation of a goldfish, my mouth parted, though I quickly snap it shut. "Mary Jane tells you a lot of things about me," I say with a tight smile, fighting to keep my tone level, conversational. "Unfortunately, most of 'em are true." I sigh, and it hurts, but my earlier flash of annoyance means I don't notice it so much. "She tried to talk me out of it, yes. You can see how well it turned out for everyone involved."

[drownondryland]

Meredith worries at her lower lip, looking down. Mary Jane has to talk to someone, she reasons; God knows she needs to herself, and better they talk to each other than dragging someone new into their little world. "I'm not blaming you," she says, a touch placating. "You saw a problem. You tried to fix it. Everyone's alive. Even if it was a close call. That's not nothing."

[daretodo]

"Sorry," I say after a beat, flashing her an apologetic look. It still takes some getting used to, her knowing all this stuff about me. To call me private would be an understatement, and much as I appreciate the fact that Mary Jane has someone she trusts, it's not always easy for me. "You're right, though. Everyone's still alive. As far as worst case scenarios go, we got off easy."

[drownondryland]

Meredith nods. She tries to look at what she did the same way, though mildly less heroic; every one of them came back alive and Lucy would probably have been far worse off if they'd left her where she was. "Yeah, we did." After a moment, she adds, "But let's try to keep the surgeries to a minimum from here on out. Not that I don't appreciate the O.R. and the work, but..."

[daretodo]

"Don't, uh, take this the wrong way, Meredith, but that was probably the worst thing that happened that night. The surgery," I say, distinctly uncomfortable as I avert my eyes to focus on the far wall. Swallowing, my fingers curl in the blanket to busy my hands, a nervous habit I've picked up during my last stay in the clinic. "I've lived through a lot of awful things, stuff you probably couldn't even imagine, wouldn't want to imagine, but to be that helpless, I never--"

[drownondryland]

Meredith shakes her head, glancing upwards. "No, I get it," she says. "I'm... I'm so sorry that happened, Peter." She's never been in situations like he's survived, she knows he's right about that, but she's been trapped and helpless and hated every terrifying second of it. It's never been like that, but she can imagine.

[daretodo]

"So I'm in no rush to get back in that O.R., trust me -- well, not as a patient, at least. I'll obviously be in there to do the anesthesia for someone else, much as I'm able," I say, waving off her apology. It wasn't, in the end, her fault, and I can't exactly blame her, much as the experience has made me wary. "I'll just, uh, be sure to do some more research. It won't make up for the million years of schooling I don't have, but... Better to be prepared as possible."

[drownondryland]

Meredith nods, skin prickling along her neck still out of something that isn't quite shame. It's not her field, it's not anything she could really be expected to know, but when everything is so uncertain and they're so absolutely making do, she feels she should have anyway. "We'll all have to be more prepared," she says. "There are too many unknown variables here. And too many disappearances to ask any one person to shoulder anything alone."

[daretodo]

"I can put a guide together, organize a few workshops to make sure no one's completely lost," I suggest, the bare bones of a plan. "The equipment itself isn't exactly standardized, which is something of a problem, but it's better than what we had, I have to believe that much. If at all possible, I'd like to ensure that only actual surgeons get access to the O.R. I realize the medical staff here is bored, that it's hard to do background checks of any reliability, but... We don't need the risk."

[drownondryland]

"Right, absolutely," Meredith says, a kind of relief sweeping over her at the prospect of something to do, a way to improve what she's got. There's no telling when he won't be able to do the job himself, and anyway, she has to admit her staff is a little slipshod now, herself included. At least, it feels it, compared to the standard of organization and preparedness she was accustomed to. "I mean, like you said, I only have the information they've given me and... my predecessors, the tests they've done, but I can make a list of those I know to be surgeons and... we can move from there."

[daretodo]

"Thank you," I say, managing a slight smile even as I take in yet another breath that burns my lungs. "Meanwhile, I'll see what I can do about some sort of security system, preferably before the next big party rolls around. The last thing we need is to discover the place isn't sterile anymore because some drunken couple thought the operating table would make for a good bed."

[drownondryland]

Meredith rolls her eyes, head tipping back, but there's relief enough in the act of planning that she smiles a little anyway. "Good idea," she says. "Around here, it's... I wouldn't even count on it taking until the next party. People aren't very picky around here." She would know, though she's hardly about to say so and it's not like it's an option she has lately, what with still being in repair.